Try a Little Tenderness…

Hello from the pandemic. I’m in the middle of my third week sheltering in place, working from home and juggling childcare responsibilities with my partner also working from home, trying to enrich said child and make sure they are doing ok. All of this is on top of my existential worrying about the world collapsing, people getting sick and dying (people I know, people I don’t know, the sheer humanity!), the social safety net already battered and tattered from the 2008 recession breaking under the strain. Add in the economy and the likelihood of many more job losses on the horizon, it’s hard not to be constantly on edge.

Normal is gone. This new normal seems like a white-knuckled ride that I have to take day by day. I have to check with my partner every evening and morning to figure out when I can fit my work in around child care, when do we have meetings, who’s responsible for lunch a the kid’s “quiet time”? It’s a lot to deal with and I feel like my mind is a million places. Always at work and always at home.

I feel like I’m doing the best I can, and in this moment, in this week, that’s good enough.

I know that I’m not alone and that helps me stay sane and productive. I deeply appreciate that the institute I work for early on took a very humane and rational approach to the situation. They’ve understanding that stuff still needs to happen but that we all have lots to deal with on top of our jobs. Every meeting seems to start with a check in on how we’re doing, some chit chat about how hard it is to buy food, and then we get to work. I have also really felt supported by my union siblings who have helped me feel connected and cared for. The mostly useless responses from many professional associations hasn’t really been upsetting, but a reminder that they are focused on organizations and not people. The displays of support and solidarity I’ve seen in libraries and transportation have been inspiring, though it’s bittersweet because it seems like many of us realize this is the end of so many things. How many libraries are going to close? How many transit agencies will be hollowed out? Is this it for the Highway Trust Fund? I take some comfort in knowing I have no control and just accept the situation will be what ever it will be. (I guess reading Zen Flesh, Zen Bones has been worth something…)

Using this week as an example: I spent all weekend working on some stuff for Monday deadline. The project had been hard to work on because the resources were off kilter, a reflection of the haste we all prepared to work from home. Also it’s hard to focus on complex analytical tasks when your whole life looks and feels like chaos. Just as I was finishing up my assignment I received the news that a colleague passed away from COVID-19 complications. I was stunned and sad, and then realized this was going to likely happen again and I would need to figure out how to work through this news. When I met with a team about my work, I mentioned the whole situation – well, not my messy desk and house – and it felt weird mentioning that I found out a colleague died as I was finishing it but it also felt weird not mentioning it.

The thing that has stuck with me is seeing how people are coping – those who are trying to get through with acknowledging the severity of the situation, those who may need direct help, and those who are trying to publicly act like this is fine. The last group seem so dissonant from the rest, and lately they’ve been in a distinct minority. Which is why this afternoon, when I checked my email after getting the kid down for a nap and saw an email re-litigating arguments that really aren’t that important now, I was really annoyed. And I realized a big source of my annoyance wasn’t only bringing up old grudges and conversations that had kind of been settled, nor that it’s not something really actionable right now because other parties are also more focused on survival than volunteer committee work. No the thing that really riled me up was that yet again some of my colleagues were sending terse emails with the subtext, “Kendra, you’re not doing enough” without acknowledging that I’m doing a heckuva lot. And they never will.

And it’s that weird emotional labor, that emotional weight I have to carry that they won’t. I have to be charitable to them because that’s how I want to be treated, even though they rarely demonstrate that charity towards me. I know I’m not alone with this situation and I truly value my friends and colleagues who are kind, understanding, and supportive. The only way we can get through this is if we all work together.

I wish everybody would just try a little tenderness.